Eleven hounds were greeted at The Royal Oak, Bere Regis by our crazy Hare, ‘Madness’. After the obligatory x2 photos, Madness gave a quick briefing, ensuring that all runners had a most accurate idea of what to find and then released us with the starting mission of ‘3 blobs and you’re On!’ Having dispersed in an invasion of the village, Warthog found the On leading right, along the road towards Bovington, soon cutting left finding a farm and our first check. Front runners Drama Queen and Birdseye quickly sniffed out the trail to the right, leading a pack of eager eyes and legs into a field of luscious green (August!) grass. Now, here was a test for the front runners; for as they reached the end of the field there was a check and a fairly deep, glistening ford before another inviting green field. Was Madness leading us to another smiley face, thus causing certain runners to make two trips through the water, or was the ford to be included as a fun frolic? Warthog of course wasn’t really interested in weighing up the options and just crashed through the disappointingly clear water, followed by Silent Running and possibly others, only to hear calls of ‘On! On!’ coming from the opposite direction! (This was just as well, as a trail to the east may have lead to the hamlet of ‘Bedlam’!) Sadly, House Hunter could not continue at this point due to an injury – we wish him a speedy recovery.

The front runners steered the pack through the middle of some watercress beds, which added variety, although I found it a bit chewy myself! After a 3-way check, which Birdseye, Quelque Chose and Kinky Bugger breezed through, we began a steady climb up a steep road. Fortunately, there was a welcome whip-in at the top to catch our breath and survey the next test. From the big ‘W’, Walt called out the On, leading the pack across the brow of the hill and on to a track beside a campsite. Our local poetic language and yells attracted interest from families exploring the area, or settling down for the evening over a camp fire of burgers and Blue Vinney? The majority of the reactions were perplexed; no doubt as to why any group of adults would run around looking for sawdust…

We now entered a small wooded area, which immediately dispersed the front runners, at least two of which were convinced they’d found the trail (the only problem being, they were facing in different directions – one shouting ‘on up!’ and the other, ‘on down!’ Madness arrived to confirm that Warthog had found the trail, which meant a steep scramble up through bracken and gorse and eventually out of the woods and onto some very picturesque heath land. This was riddled with paths, ideal for BH3 outdoor pursuits, until of course, 3 bounding hounds go missing… It wasn’t long before distant cries of ‘are you?’ could be heard, which suddenly grew to quite a vicious panic of ‘where the **** are you’ from a slightly dishevelled Warthog! (What do you mean no one had waited for him?) But then, where was Two Shoes? Had he been attacked by 1000 ticks? …been lured back to the camp site by wafts of barbecued steak, or perhaps he’d found the On and had galloped off too soon? Luckily, he was safe and sound waiting beside a whip-in sign like a gnome with a fishing rod and eventually the gang of fellow dwarfs and elves arrived to rescue him from the horrors of Black Hill jungle.

After a well earned whip-in, the pack found themselves on the legendary Jubilee Trail, which not only climbed up a hill but drew us away from the general direction of Bere Regis; here we knew that ‘a Madness five mile hash’ was more like six! Entering another small but treacherous wood, the gang encountered 4 checks in close succession, Birdseye, Kinky Bugger and Silent Running all playing a part. Quelque Chose and Pierre Junior were at this point in a father and son competition, each slapping each other on the back and then sprinting past (an endearing form of French tag, perhaps?) Whilst Madness was demonstrating how his dynamic and flexible physique could fit between the gate post and the gate; this started another competition with BrEW, whose rippling physique was only slightly hindered by this slender challenge. Now, it was somewhere around here that we couldn’t help noticing an extremely large bull, who had also taken an interest in us (probably those red shirts again!) Although this raised a few exclaims of ‘Oh! Gosh!’ and ‘Good gwief, Charlie Brown’, we soon realised that the beast was on the off side of the On, plus the good news was, we were heading for the quaint little hamlet of ‘Sh*tterton’, (yes, that’s right…or perhaps it’s pronounced ‘Shy-ter-ton’? One of Dorset’s best kept secrets, that no one is likely to find out, (well they’re not are they? A small detail, that the locals keep under their chocolate-box thatch roof tops, of course).

Anyway, titter ye not! For the next and final challenge featured the back streets of Bere Regis, where the pack admired more splendid views and some very nice properties, one looking a bit out of place in its ‘Gun Wharf’ modern style, worth a bob or two and no doubt room for a pony (and probably an Olympic size swimming pool!) But as we weren’t invited in for tea, we had to settle for a heartier brew at the Royal Oak, instead. The end to a much enjoyed run, with thanks again to Madness.